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HOW

Friday, 2 July 2010 | 11:17 am


I need to talk to someone who knows me better than I do. The chances of discovering such a person is almost zilch either because my old friends dont understand me anymore or my new friends don't exactly know know me. An old friend told me that I lead the (almost) perfect life. Perfect in the sense that I'm not struggling financially, perfect in the sense that I am blessed with the opportunity to study and to have a good circle of friends. And perfect, because I have Nev.

But I don't think that its perfect, I just think that I'm lucky.

The thing that really bugs me now, is that all my so-called misery is really all self-inflicted. I've got a paper in a few hours, & I'm not even TRYING to study. I refuse to even consider the fact that I've burnt out because in the first place, I didn't even put in the necessary hours & effort to painfully absorb, understand & practise the required. What I'm trying to say is: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???

Please let me wake up before its too late ):
 


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N IS FOR

Tuesday, 22 June 2010 | 12:48 am

 You're impossible. Impossibly amazing.

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SMOKE AND MIRRORS

Sunday, 23 May 2010 | 02:43 am

 


Don't you want this as much as I do?

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NOTHING BEATS FEELING SKINNY

Tuesday, 2 March 2010 | 10:54 pm

I'm not really sure but i think I regret putting off dieting. I can feel my weight gain without physically seeing the numbers going up on the weighing scale. All the additional weight makes me feel so heavy. I'm contemplating like almost 24/7 whether or not to go back to my previous lifestyle. I admit, it irritates the shit out of people when I complain about my flabs. I know I'm not really fat, but I'm not skinny either, so its not good enough.

But will anything ever be good enough? When you're 45kg, you wanna be 42kg. When you have no pimples, you want flawless skin. Its inevitable, this natural desire in us to always want more & to never feel satisfied. We claim that people who say, "I'm fat, but I'm happy cause I eat" don't actually mean what they say but rather, say it to make themselves feel better. I'm guilty of making use of that line as an excuse too many times.

I confess that I go on to fb/tumblr/& what not to look at skinny people. I'd save pictures of models & let my eyes linger on every single detail of their features. Its hard not to envy them. I want their bones, their glow from confidence. The majority look down on anorexia & make faces when the issue is mentioned. But what people fail to realise is that anorexia requires its own form of perseverance. Perhaps, perseverance for the wrong purpose but nevertheless, it still is what it is.

After the 9th of March, I'm going for a round of the most sinful, most unhealthy of all & maybe a round of buffet (sushi?) & then its back to my studies and an empty stomach. I should be upset that I want to conform to a lifestyle as such but heck, WHO'S WITH ME??

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I'D RATHER NOT

Wednesday, 24 February 2010 | 11:25 pm

Today I realised that the power of words or phrases such as 'I love you' don't lie within the meaning of the words itself, but really the person who says it.

How do you make its-not-you-its-me seem less cliche? I'm ashamed of my disability to convert feelings to words & thoughts to action. Sometimes, I wished I was braver. Brave enough to tell you the things I want to. Brave enough to stop before I can't pull myself out. Somehow, I'd always find myself in a very difficult position. Every way out involves hurting. 

When you love a person, you'd bottle up your negative emotions and chuck them aside so you wouldn't bother/burden your loved one. Especially when these emotions arise from really trivial matters (yes, girls are sensitive like that). But bottling up does the exact opposite. You come to a point where you've reached your limit - when you realised that hey, your feelings matter too. & you get so upset cause the one you love did nothing wrong and is so undeserving of your sudden outburst of selfishness. I become a different person altogether when i fall in love. I think love makes you feel vulnerable. A single person's action can cause your mood to reach the other extreme. I don't deal well with such inconsistency, especially when I find it hard to have control over it.

I really need a good book, a sunflower & time for myself.

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I CANNOT DENY YOUR LOVE

Tuesday, 12 January 2010 | 10:00 pm

Its only the second day of school, and 2010 has proven to be already a screwed up year.
MSAs starting next week/ My notes aren't completed = how to study??/ Organic chapters 1-8 for Chem MSA/ Gay civics tutor/ No Wilson in the class/ So many retainees are my friends/  DSAs not making the cut/ People feeling lousy over results/ U21 starting on sat/ First match of Adiv to begin on 1st March aye so early/ Jane got hit in the eye @ Aussie

& when i thought things couldn't get any worse, this morning at 9.58am: "I'm sorry, I tried my best."
I've always wanted to get out of this school as fast as possible. (Because i don't quite fancy how the education takes a toll on me.) Now after all that has happened, i wish, ah heck, i wish i could be with you and stay one more year in this stupid school.

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FOREVER YOURS

Saturday, 26 December 2009 | 08:29 pm

I like waking up to songs on your playlist. Its funny cause i know that you're the only one who'd love songs like that. Dad would say, "What kind of horrible song is that". I'd smile, cause only you'd listen to a song like that.

Spain has been gloomy & wet, no doubt about that. I can't wait to get home. Can't wait for days with Jing who'd control my money & eating, who'd love me even though i'm whining bout my weight/ figure. C'mon srsly, how many people can endure that kind of torture haha. Can't wait for days with Bala, cause apart from our differences, we'd still love each other no matter what. Can't wait to go out with Affy Dawn Daph Gayle plus Soccer kias. Can't wait to see the hockey team, the whole lot of them. Can't wait to see Sarah Tasneem Johanna Juani Jane Huijun Sya because its always them that i'll miss. Can't wait to see nev again, as simple as that.

I'd get you all presents. I'd write all of you cards. Being away made me realise how much i've missed all of you. Hope you guys had a good Christmas.   

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& EVERMORE MY HEART, MY HEART WILL BE

Thursday, 17 December 2009 | 01:33 pm

Will be back on the 5th next year. Lets hope this trip is worth screwing up all the exams early next year. & missing things like Gayle's birthday, Crescent carnival, past vs present, SA vs VJ soccer & so much more. Thank god New Year's party is gonna be after i come back hee hee ^^ Happy happy birthday to Daphne, Enru & Gayle! I know this is early but Merry Christmas & Happy New Year everyone. Sorry for the picture spam, i'm lazy to do a cut. But i'll miss these few real badly:
Please send me emails (even if i don't reply) heehee. Jing & Nev: Update me as much as possible, i wanna know bout everything that happens. Sarah: I'd love mails from you, you can update me bout the crew <:
 

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HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Sunday, 6 December 2009 | 12:48 pm

I've had such a lovely time the past week. I must say that i really really had fun & i enjoyed it so so much. December ftw!!! I'll upload pictures soon hee hee! Shall give rough details about whats been happening heehee!

30th - 4th Dec:
Intense trng week/ Friendliesfriendliesmorefriendlies/ Charmaine the drunkard/ Team lunches & dinners/ Dragon boating +++

2nd Dec:
Had dinner with jing! Naan naan naan (fyi, had cravings so badly i ate it 3 days in a row!!) Jing gave me such a cutesy present with poems, my shopping $$ and 50 bucks sakae voucher HAHA so cute i luv jing

3rd Dec:
Was watching shopaholic after i got home from hockey. Got a call around 10++, & ohmygod, surprise macarons!!! The present was so pwetty too, no wonder you didn't wanna give me the photos ahh sneaky sneaky haha!

4th Dec:
Friendly with the snrs in the morning. Surprise visit from coach!!! Ohmygod you had no idea how happy i was to see him! Went for lunch with the girls @ Adams's. I admit i was having quite a bad day & i was kinda like upset & all. The rain made me so gloomy!!! & it was so hard to go out with bala jing enru doyong daniel aloy!!! I wanted to treat them to dinner yknw, but it was so hard to arrange! (HAHA SORRY BALA) Went home to change & dinner @ some place in the east. OMG THE FOOD WAS SO SO SO GOOD. Cheese baked mussels ftw nom nom nom! Food/ Ambience/ Company was amazing, thanks stubz luv luv luv. Played fire sparklers after & fell asleep halfway heehee. & stubz found my ring, the plastic one with the sweet on top!!!


5th Dec:
Wanted to go for the guy's friendly against the snrs but woke up late ): Met the team @ Flyer's Popeye's for lunch! Then took 36 (FROM THE WRONG SIDE) so i was really late to meet tasneem juani nev to study @ Berrylite but alfred was even later haha. I was abit sad cause jane couldn't come cause she was gonna meet zonghan & johanna went back to indo alr. Sya & Bala went to meet their respective FRIENDS also hahah. Decided to go vj after eating yoghurt because i wanted to see the treehouse hahah. Then juani wanted to go Johanna's house cause she needed to pass back smth & kat was at home. So we went there, walked in the house & suddenly... "SURPRISE!!!" OHMYGOD I GOT THE SHOCK OF MY LIFE. The remaining crew + Jing Keenan Ram were there OMG OMG OMG, i was so shocked happy excited that i just dropped on the floor!!! Yknw like i'm always the one plannng so i was SO DAMN SHOCKED that for the first time i got surprised instead!!! NO WAY, i was so puzzled, i thought i would have been pro enough to find out by myself but nooooo, it was so well organised!

I was so happy i started crying & laughing at the same time! They're such idiots yknw, everyone lied to me. Sya bala jane didn't go out with their ahemsss & johanna didn't go back to indo! & like they purposely made me so sad on the 4th! But i was so so happy. I luv bala tasneem juani johanna jane sya jing keenan ram nev alfred so so much. I felt like the luckiest girl on earth i swear! Johanna baked her special lasagne and they got me 17 balloons + a planner for next year. ( I always buy my planners 6 months late). It was so perfect (cept that sarah wasn't there to complete it!) I had so much fun and such a good time (: Then i went for super late dinner with my family, just imagine how much ate that day!

So that sums up my whole week. Damn happening right!!!! I'm still like damn shocked abt everythng. & there's still more to come!
7/12: Meeting the crew again for ahem! (must sensor in case someone reads this heehee) + Dinner with affy @ nyny!
8/12: Og outing
10/12: Class outing to Sentosa + Brother's birthday
++ Sleepover with the crew to be confirmed asap!

Such a wordy post (sry my lj cut not working) but thanks everyone, i luv you all & i srsly had the best birthday ever (:

PS: Special thanks to Bala cause she mainly planned the whole thing (i knw righttt! bala?! plan?!) & she's my bestest friend in the whole wide world & nev for everything & more.


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"HOORAY FOR ALIS"

Thursday, 3 December 2009 | 12:33 am

Nevilley: eh hi bff
Nevilley: (not you nat)
tasneem: haha hi bff!

One conversation and they claim they know each other better than i know them.

I say: but srsly
I say: sarah does your face the best
Nevilley says: tasneem does her face the best, which she will show me on saturday
Nevilley says: right
tasneem says: RIGHTTTTTT
I say: oi so now gang up on me la!!!
tasneem says: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Nevilley says: best pals what.
Nevilley says: haha
tasneem says: (does our secret handshake)

Just kill me now hahaha

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